


When a heart shatters.

by honeywreath



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Death of a friend, Depression, Grieving, Minor Character Death, Panic Attack, re-posted without editing so might have errors hit me up if u see any, wow i think this was my first fic i ever wrote v v old
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-24 19:47:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18169295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeywreath/pseuds/honeywreath
Summary: ‘It’s been 16 years since Phil died, I’m very alone these days…’Phil felt a small smile tug at his lips.He hoped it would go that way.





	When a heart shatters.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lizzyboo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizzyboo/gifts).



> Hello, i'm back and reposting all my old fics gradually. Here's the first one i got a request for by the lovely @phantasticlizzy who i love v much lol :) My new tumblr is @lostinhireath come say hi :p <3

Kathryn’s voice was soft and sweet.

Phil could practically _see_ how hard she was trying to coax a positive reply from him, to convince him. If he could _see her_ , though,he would know how the receiver in her hand was clenched tightly, like she was holding onto a life line.

Mrs. Lester clearly wanted her boy home for a while, she was frightened. It was clear from her shaking voice. Phil knew that, he just found her worries unwarranted as he pulled on his bottom lip with his teeth.

Was that a new nervous habit? He wasn’t sure.

He faked a smile, having given up on producing a real one these days and even though she couldn’t see him, he wanted her to know that he was _fine_. So, he smiled wide and it hurt his cheeks, eyes hollow and uncooperative.

Any passerby would’ve deemed him demented but it was okay, Phil wasn’t present enough to notice such things anyway.It had become a habit by now. The fake smiling that is, disassociation came naturally.

Phil wouldn’t describe it as such though, _He was fine._

'I’m okay mum. I promise.’

He tried to sound cheerful but his voice hitched at the end. He was good at hiding how he felt and pretending that nothing was wrong but he was not good at outright lying. Lying to his mum ( _and himself_ ), it was even more of a feat.She sighed.

'Phillip,love, I suggest you reconsider.’ Her voice seemed to tremble. 'Martyn and Cornelia are here as well.’

Eyes glossy, she held the receiver hopefully. ’ Take a week off from that bloody place and spend some time with your family. You need to get away for a while.’

He was startled, It was rare to hear her curse.

Phil bit his lip. It was starting to bleed a bit.

'Please..’

She added quietly. He heard her sniff.

'Mum. I promise. I’m fine.’

Phil nodded frantically, not quite sure why he was making such gestures. It was just he was concentrating all his energies on placating her.

He willed his hand to stop trembling.

**_I’m okay. I’m over it. I’m moving on._ **

Opening his mouth, he found that he couldn’t get the words out. They seemed to stick in his throat and choke him as he coughed, inhaling sharply. His mum waited patiently on the other end, her gentle breathing resounding in his ears as he felt lost.

There was so much he wanted to say.

He was an English major. He could add a lot. Fabricate a story of sugar coated words to reassure her but he _couldn’t_.

Those lies felt wrong even in his head and his chest clenched.

**_I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay._ **

He shifted on his feet, the mantra on repeat in his head as he glanced over his shoulder. The dorm continued to fill with more students. He could feel the solemn aura around himself even as happy fresh faces surrounded him, vibrant with energy rather most probably high on caffeine. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

He was supposed to be _one of them_ , his arm slung around his best friend, laughing about the antics of some weird professor and how they got away with complete silliness on their last assignment.

His best friend who was gone.

Maybe, his mum was right. Maybe he does need to get away from this place….

He shook his head.

_No._

_I go out. I sleep on time. I study. I attend all my classes. I eat properly._

**_Everything is perfectly normal._ **

_He scoffed at her worries._

_I’m not going mental. I’m not bloody depressed._

_I don’t need a “time away”._

**_I’m fine._ **

Phil told himself as he hung up with another halfheartedly mumbled, broken assurance much to the disappointment of his mum. He hadn’t become a deranged cut off from society or an alcoholic or anything extreme. He was a perfectly functional twenty-something, last-year English major.

_He was doing fine._

Phil told himself firmly, gritting his teeth.

But the gnawing in his chest?

The continuous feel of a void ripped in to his soul?

He was fine, Phil knew.

_(He just didn’t feel very alive anymore.)_

Phil went through the day like a robot programmed to follow a pattern. Like a leaf drifting in the wind. All he was focused on was keeping that vivid presence out of his head, that wide grin, that confident participation in every one of Phil’s happy go lucky adventure. It hurt too much to think of him, to think of him as… as _gone_.

Matt.

He had been his best friend.

_Had been-_

Phil gulped closing his eyes and breathing deeply as he tried to pull his focus back onto the lecture. _He could do this_. He wasn’t going to think over it any more. Matt wouldn’t want him to. He looked up and gave a small smile to Alex who was giving him a concerned look, shaking his head and trying to make out the blurry words on the board.

No one noticed how his pen was still shaking in his hand, like no one had noticed how he barely touched his slice of pizza in the sleepover last week, just as no one had noticed that many of the old 'Amazingphil’ videos had been privated. The ones with Matt in them.

No one mentioned Matt again.

Life went on.

But maybe not for the one person he was closest to, maybe not for Phil.

For Phil, all that happened during the day was a routine he held onto to keep himself busy.

To keep himself sane.

To keep himself from the lingering nostalgia that clawed under his skin _all fucking day_ and he _wasn’t_ going to give in to it.

Phil was a fighter.

He wasn’t going to fall into the same thing that he had sought to help others with.

So he soldiered on and it worked.

Mostly.

At night, he always found himself lying on his bed with the whole day behind him gone as if it had never come.

Forgotten, blurry. Like it was surrounded by a fog of his own disinterest and unintentional disconnection.

What was the use of socializing? Of making friends?

Nothing lasted but pain.

In the end, everyone just turns to dust and that smile you keep taking for granted disappears without goodbye, never to be seen again.

Matt Harrison, his best friend for the last three years was _gone_ . He was fucking _dead_ and that was a fact and there was no removing the hurt his sudden departure had caused but Phil, Phil had taken a good lesson from it….

He had learnt not to let his walls down. The closer you let someone to yourself, the more you share your life with someone, the more you make them a part of your heart….the more the pain is when they inevitably leave you behind.

Phil had barricades up this time.

For all his welcoming smiles and bear hugs, he wouldn’t make the mistake of acquiring another Matt ever again.

There was a clear line now.

Get away before your too emotionally invested. Before your too attached. Before it all goes to hell and your just the remains, just the ashes.

* * *

 

It was a routine monotone night a month later. Winter had changed nothing to amend for what summer had snatched away.

He was lying on his small worn bed, in a thin blue shirt and plaid pajamas, breathing soft and shallow as his eyes seemed to be glazed over. Their blue had been dulled to a grey for a while now, not that Phil knew. He hadn’t been paying much mind to the mirror lately.

His own reflection only added to his loneliness.

A reminder of how depressed…sad he looked as well, which he was not willing to accept.

Silver moonlight draped over his pale skin as the wind moved the old curtains slightly.

He had left the window open again. In the middle of December.

There was a thick matting of snow outside as the white fluff gently fell, a bit of it on his table now.

That was…

_Curious._

_He hadn’t felt cold at all._

Hadn’t noticed his the goosebumps along his bare arm, the slight shiver in his icy limbs.

He blinked expressionless as his eyes went to the fluttering curtain, below which was his discarded camera.

When was the last time he had made a video?

Uploaded a picture on MySpace?

The thought of doing those things again made his skin crawl.

He had tried setting aside his feelings and just talking in front of the camera s a therapeutic move at least and it had worked just fine, but as soon as he replayed the clip himself to edit. He wanted to vomit.

His whole body language looked fake.

Anyone could see his limbs shaking and hear his slight stutter.

He wasn’t ready to go back, even if he wanted to.

Not yet.

Phil sighed rubbing his red eyes.

The dark circles were going to be prominent tomorrow but this seemed to be a no-sleep night as well.

He should try to focusing on fixing the mess of a person Phil Lester had become before he could revive the slightly exaggerated version that was Amazingphil.

All his friends online might think he was dead.

Phil considered as the corner of his lip turned up at being reminded of the people he had gotten close to with the aid of just his computer and a doggy internet connection, but a single word stood out ringing in his ears…

 _Dead_.

His smile went down into a frown.

Dead. Gone. Never ever to be seen again. Six foot under.

Phil’s throat closed up.

Matt’s grin was vivid in his memory. A look of mischief in green eyes, blonde curls bouncing on his head.

 

'Hey! I bought my mum a matching monkey for mothers day too! Just for the hell of it! It was an awful idea of course.’

'Blimey Phil! Wrecking a a mate in mario cart on his birthday should be an offence! I demand a rematch!’

'I have the most awesome idea for your next video!…what do you mean we can’t play gay chicken?’

'Come on Philly! Your always holed up in that room of yours, let’s go live a little!’

He _had_ lived little.

_Far too little._

Phil choked as he shut his eyes tightly, the same nauseating misery wrecking his insides. How could someone with so much life be taken away so quickly?

It was unfair.

It was cruel.

His eyes stung, they were watery again but this time he let himself go.

He stared blankly at the camera that had captured so much of their friendship as he laid there, the tears flowing freely, glowing in the moonlight before they dripped down his cheek and absorbed in the sheets below.

It had been months.

It still hurt.

_It hurt too much._

He honestly didn’t know if this dreadful emptiness which smeared his soul would ever leave him, the joy sucked out of everything he loved and held dear because he _knew_ , he had always known but now he _knew_ life wasn’t a fairy tale where everyone lived happily ever after. There was loss and there was ruin and there was the debris left behind.

His breath hitched as he whined softly, a small sob leaving his lips.

_He didn’t want it to hurt anymore._

He didn’t want to be so alone anymore.

**_He wanted for it all to stop._ **

It was dull deep ache in his heart, like it had been sewn into his bones and held them together. It made him shiver and claw lightly at the fabric on his chest. Anything to numb the slow stabbing sensations, limbs tense as he willed it all to go away.

He remembered it like yesterday. The grave news had come on a Saturday morning, beginning of their last uni year.

_This fucking dreadful year._

When hopes for a future were highest. A silent fear and uncertainty of it was lingering too but nothing as awful as this….

They were supposed to look forward to graduating, making plans,going out having new adventures everyday. Making promises to stay connected forever.

 

Who knew how short lived that would be?

A freak accident.

A single moment.

He had died on impact.

A quick death.

He would’ve felt nothing.

Whatever people said….it mostly went over his head.

After all, what did it matter?

Everything deciphered to one bitter truth.

A truth Phil would rather spend all his life hiding away from.

It was right after their last lecture for the day as Phil waited for Matt to come back from his mum’s house with the props. They had been planning a surprise party for one of their friends and Phil along with Matt had been put in charge of setting up a rather elaborate prank. Well, pranking was mostly Matt’s forte but Phil had fun watching and helping out with setting it up.

Nothing like a jump-scare for a party right?, Phil would disagree but at least everyone was having fun, that was what he thought until Rebecca ran in trembling all over with her mascara running down her face in wet lines.

Phil had grinned at her.

Rebecca’s tears and shaking body gave him no clue whatsoever and when she delivered the news his only thought was how she should be nominated for an Oscar because that acting was fucking brilliant.

He threw his book aside and folded his arms, raising his brow.

 

'Come on Matt we haven’t got the time for this!’

He scrunched his nose and sighed as Becca wasn’t letting up, staring at him like he was the one with the obnoxious facade on.

'Stop practicing your talents on me! And dragging poor Becca into your crazy plans! I know you’re hiding somewhere here with a camera! We were supposed to make a prank _together_ you jerk!’

 

She sobbed louder covering her mouth.

 

'Matt?!’

Phil had tried again.

Becca’s panicked raspy breathing was too rapid to be faked, her demeanor too convincing be a joke.

 

His face fell. He mumbled quietly to her, arms falling to his sides, a feeling of dread brewing in his stomach.

'Becca, this isn’t funny anymore. Tell Matt to come out.’

_What she was saying couldn’t be true, obviously._

This was just a very realistic prank and Becca was a surprisingly good actress.

 

She screamed in his face, not minding his flinch at all.

'He’s dead! Phil! Don’t you fucking get it! Matt is fucking gone!’

 

It wasn’t acting at all, Phil knew deep down.

Becca, She wasn’t the sort of person to lie about. About this-

 _But she couldn’t be_ …she couldn’t be telling the truth right?

 

Phil’s hands started quivering, his limbs froze. It was as if all his veins had ice running through them, his heart beat sounding in loud deafening thuds in his ears.

He blinked.

 

His whole world had stopped.

 

_No._

_Matt was **not** gone. _

_He was just sitting by him! He wasn’t dead! He couldn’t be dead!_

_He…he was right here this morning._

_On this bench. Sitting right beside Phil._

_Excitedly chattering away about his plans._

 

No.No.No.

He shook his head softly, his face wet. He hadn’t even noticed that he was crying.

 

'No.’

 

He kept shaking his head, his hands over his ears blocking out the offending words.

Lies.

 

_All lies._

 

Matt would come out with a camera any moment.

He must be behind a pillar, that bastard.

 

'Matt? Matt please stop kidding around.It’s not funny at all.’

He pleaded softly. Alex who had been silently crying into his fist a few steps away, chocked on a loud sob.

 

Becca left.

She ran outside the room like she couldn’t take it anymore but Phil didn’t notice.

He couldn’t breath.

 

This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t. It wasn’t.

But it was.

 

It was more real then it should be with the black suit _he wore_ at the funeral _he attended_ and the man in the coffin that _he saw_.

It was held the very next day and Phil stared blankly at the sight before him.

 

His best friend was inside that wooden box.

All the life gone from his body.

No one dragging him around for adventures. No more Buffy marathons, no more video game competitions, no more silly challenges.

No one else in his real life to appreciate and participate in his weird video making hobby.

No more was remained of the beautiful person who had blessed Phil with so many wonderful memories but they seemed nothing but daunting then.

He wanted to leave.

 

His collar felt too tight. His brain too mushy, tongue too numb to speak, limbs too weak to stand. He was unaware that he had been shaking even as he sipped on his glass of cold water surrounded by all the others clad in black. Maybe, his mind was protecting itself from the onslaught of vicious emotions that teared it down but it had shut down.

Having been pulled into a million hugs by people he cared about he still felt cold as a block of ice.

 

It was summer, the flowers dancing in the golden glow embraced by the warm comforting breeze but all he could feel was an over whelming sickness

Like a destructive force in his head, it made a mess out of his numb mind and he gasped barely holding himself up by a pillar.

The procession left, the coffin lifted into the ground and  whole thing was over like it began.

Quick and heart shattering.

Matt was now a figment of the dreams that could’ve been, just another victim of fate’s clutches.

For the first time in his life, Phil cursed a god he did not believe in.

* * *

 

**_19.10.09_ **

The boy had wormed his way into Phil’s heart and Phil was afraid.

He was scared of how happy he was.

He was scared of how close they had gotten and how quickly that had happened.

He was scared of how much of himself he had exposed and given.

Scared of how willing he was to give more.

They had been talking for a while now.

His name was Dan and he was a kid from Southern England. A fan and follower of Phil’s video, he had appreciated and complimented Phil’s creativity for a while online and his persistence led to a conversation and it only progressed from there. Four years younger but on par with almost all his interests. The quirky and sarcastic teen had left quite an impression on Phil’s heart.

It was too late when he found figured out how invested he was.

Dan was getting happier under Phil’s innate optimistic and positive nature, opening up and expressing how much he needed Phil through gestures and shy hints. How thankful he was for finally having a true friend showcasing his own securities one by one as his walls dropped and Phil’s smile seemed to heal scars even through the grainy pixels of Skype. Phil could not help his smile, eyes glowing, heart expanding with the same feelings.

That didn’t mean he wasn’t scared shitless.

The last time he had let someone know him so deeply, learn all his flaws and perks and _still_ stay. He had gotten too attached. It was rare to get such a connection with another human and he had gotten a tiny taste once before and watched it crash and burn.

He had gotten too hurt.

Phil would somehow gather the strength to end whatever was starting before it got even more all consuming then it already was but when Dan tilted his head, straightened brown hair covering half his face and smiled shyly, when his eyes bore into Phil’s round and brown and deep and so full of trust, when he looked at Phil like he was the best thing that ever existed, Phil could not pull himself back even if he had tried.

He didn’t even have the strength to try.

He had no choice.

He was a moth and Dan was the flame but his soul was so cold that it looked forward to burns.

Dan wasn’t Matt.

No.

Matt was a best friend he had loved with all his heart and Dan had surprised him by showing him that he could love even more.

Surprised and _frightened_ him of how _deeply_ he felt.How he hadn’t felt this way for anyone before.

It was scarier then any horror Phil had encountered in his whole life. It was absolutely harrowing.

Yet it was the best he had felt in months.

Then it happened.

After forever of placing his fingers on his cold computer screen trying to feel Dan’s below his, watching Dan drift off to sleep as his own eyes drooped and wishing wistfully for when they could put their heads on the same pillow…..

All the nights he spent longing to gather the younger boy in his arms, all the times he’d given him a sad forlorn smile when they talked about how good it would feel to actually see each other in person…..

**_Dan was there._ **

Not pixelated and stuck in a screen, aided by a crappy connection.

He was _there_. Tall, awkward limbs and all, running towards him in the most cliche manner ever, his puffy brown fringe straightened to death and the sporting widest grin Phil had ever seen.

Time had stopped once again for Phil.

He opened his arms without thought, eyes covered by a watery film as his legs shook slightly.

There, in Manchester train station, cheeks red and a trail of mist forming around his breath, he knew more then ever that he was too far gone.

When Dan all but flied into his arms, Phil held him tighter then he had ever held anyone before.

All the loneliness and sadness that ached deep in his bones mellowed into a warmth he hadn’t felt for oh so long.

Tears gathered on his eyelid and he blinked them away.

_Dan was real, Dan was here._

He drew in a shuddering breath and gulped.

Phil, he felt like he was, _like he was alive again._

He hadn’t even noticed how his fake smile had slowly transformed into a genuine one through these months. How color had seeped back into his routine.

Maybe Dan had been tearing down all his walls one by one in his own oblivious fashion and Phil had just realized that his soul was practically laid bare.

He felt naked in all his heavy woolen winter clothes.

It was like Dan had dug out his recluse features and all his buried happiness so subtly that Phil had been shell shocked at the late discovery.

But even as he felt exposed, he still felt comfortable. He found himself at peace in those skinny tan arms, the storm that had been brewing inside him calming till all he could hear was their hearts beating against each other.

 

Dan Howell was an enigma.

Matt had been a laceration on his atria, still bleeding and reminding him that good memories were nightmares once they were gone but Dan was a balm so soothing that he did not have it in him to care. The deep cuts were being patched up into fading scars and Dan was the one healing them with just a hug.

Matt would’ve wanted him to live happily but Dan was the one helping him do it.

Matt had been his best friend and Dan, Dan was everything he had ever wanted in life and Phil swore he’d suffer whiplash from the pull he felt.

Phil physically could not separate himself away from the embrace. Dan, God bless his soul, held as long as he did.

As if making sure Phil was actually there. Breathing in his scent.

Phil had a vague notion, that he rejected before it even formed, that Dan was almost as much enamored by him as he was by Dan.

He didn’t know how correct it was. The younger had his own problems at home and a crippling sense of loneliness that Phil was a remedy against. Phil didn’t care if he was here only because there was no one else who understood him, he was just glad Dan was here.

They both were starstruck by each other anyway.

For once, someone was at _their_ frequency and the boys were awed by just knowing someone like that could exist.

They must’ve looked so weird to any on looker but they couldn’t care less.

Phil inhaled deeply.

Dan smelled of vanilla and caramel and warmth.

He was perfection incarnate with his shy smiles, sarcastic comebacks and even his unjustified insecurities.

When the he pulled back a bit, his arms still wrapped around Phil’s waist and smiled up at him, Phil swore that was the purest thing he had seen in all his 22 years and he melted further.

It was the most his heart had thudded painfully against his ribs in a long while.

For once, it was mostly a good pain.

While he tried his heart to settle in vain, Phil also could not wait for to show Dan around, though it was more about spending time with Dan and learning more about him then it was about strolling to random places.

The tour around Manchester had ended on the Ferris wheel. The Manchester eye.

Star bucks, sky bar and the apple store had fed to their nerdy needs and personal preferences a lot and they simply basked in each other’s company.

What they had discovered in that day was less of Manchester and more that with each other they could have fun no matter where they were.

They were like two halves of a perfect whole and the puzzle solved itself to make a perfect picture.

Phil felt the hand clutching his tighten in excitement when the eye came to view.

Dan’s demeanor was like a puppy with a wagging tail and his eagerness for everything Phil had to show made Phil grin involuntarily.

Luckily,the wheel did not have that much of a queue.

They were ushered into one of the compartments, quickly, and chose to sit beside each other why shy fond smiles.

It was a difficult feat to sit even a centimeter apart after spending so much of their friendship with physical distance between them.

The thing they had, whether platonic or Phil’s one sided crush as he presumed even with Dan’s relentless flirting, was fresh and new and it was their first actual meeting. Afraid internally as if the other would slip through fingers, they stuck close, unwilling to let the other go.

The yearning of months was projected as their sides pressed and they leaned against one another.

 _Close._ The need to be _impossibly closer._

The day had turned to dusk and the cabin rose slowly in the fading pretty pastel colors of the sky.

They didn’t notice.

Dan had giggled on some joke Phil had made without realization as he cuddled into his arm and he didn’t even remember what he had been talking about. His head fell on top of Dan’s and he blushed.

**_Thud, thud, thud, thud._ **

He hadn’t felt like this for anyone before.

Never like this.

He smiled in adoration as the younger yawned lightly rubbing his eyes as he gave Phil a cheeky smile when he caught him looking. Phil’s heart was racing.

It was the most pleasant yet most scary thing he had experienced.

To feel this way.

The silence that slowly settled between them was tranquil.

Everything felt serene and beautiful as the cabin rose slowly making Phil’s heart drop deeper with every jump it took, it pounded in his chest as the city lights illuminated the cold night.

He had been staring at Dan’s reflection in the window with an affectionate warmth that could rival the summer sun. Dan, unaware, kept stealing glances at Phil and then at their clasped hands with such a beautiful and genuine smile that Phil wanted to hide his face in his palms and take deep breaths to calm down.

He didn’t even know how Dan felt about him!

Looking at Dan directly now was difficult as a sudden shyness overtook him. The person who he had been pinning for, unintentionally albeit, was right beside him and he couldn’t hide behind a screen anymore.

Phil was still in mild panic until Dan’s head slowly shifted off his shoulder and his insecurities came back hard, choking him. Dan was sliding further on the seat, pulling away, but it seemed bigger to Phil who had his heart raw and open after so long. It felt like a rejection, like he had done something wrong.

He didn’t glance back to see why Dan had shuffled away but flicked his eyes to the reflection in the mirror.

_Oh God._

_Dan was looking sideways biting his lip._

_Had he messed up somehow?_

Was. Was Dan tired of how clingy he was?

Had he caught Phil staring? Was he creeped out?

It seemed unlikely owing to the wonderful day they had spent but what if?

 

What if he was too ugly to look at beyond a computer? Too weird?

His fingers clenched on his jean’s leg, his mind raced.

Had he been acting too awkward today? with all the clawing and random facts? _Definitely._

Had Dan noticed? Would he be bored now? disappointed? Now that the novelty of meeting his idol wore off and he perceived that YouTube wasn’t a persona, that Phil was clearly true to his image. An awkward person with a great lack of social skills, smitten with Dan to the core.

As much as the future scared him, he wanted to hold close this boy that had given him so much in such a short time without noticing.

Phil would’ve driven himself into an anxiety attack but his thoughts were halted as he felt a small, hesitant tap on his shoulder and he turned away from the window, his heart jumping to his throat as he braced himself for the inevitable excuse that Dan must’ve constructed to go home. Phil knew he was too nice to say he didn’t like him anymore to his face.

 

Dan looked at him nervously, curiously still and silent.

 

That, was unlike him.

Was he just as scared as Phil was?

 _God_ , he was still a teen, **_here with his parent’s permission and meeting someone he had met online alone in another city_ ** _._ This wasn’t a good time to wallow in his own insecurities.

What if Dan was actually feeling really frightened himself?

Phil’s heart clenched and a small forced smile graced his features as he tried not to let worry seep into his eyes.

'What’s wrong Da-?’

 

He hadn’t finished his question when he felt a soft pair of lips on his own. A puff of warm caramel breath.

His eyes widened at the gentle peck, his heart flipped, a blush rising.

 

Dan had actually kissed him!

Then, the initial surprise burst to happiness and a wondrous sense of security. The fullness of requited love bloomed in his heart.

 

Sadly, though, the kiss ended as quickly as it had started, Dan scooting farther tot he other end, embarrassed and spewing apologies. Phil’s trance broke at this and his eyes, dilated to almost black, met Dan’s with the most adoration they had the capacity to carry.

All fears forgotten, his own insecurities in the dust.He simply grabbed the nervous boy’s hand and squeezed it giving him a small smile, that was when Dan knew they both felt the same way. He didn’t initiate another kiss with the younger, wanting him to set the pace but he was sure to make his own feelings clear.

* * *

 

Dan Howell and Phil Lester became 'Dan and Phil’. It was just one of the beginning chapters of a beautiful story.

Their bond grew stronger with time and more kisses were stolen, shared and exchanged. Distance meant five hour long Skype calls and visits meant cuddles and breakfast in bed that lasted longer then any breakfast should but they loved it. They were just two hearts beating effortlessly in sync till they created an unalterable rhythm and Phil finally had the courage to tell Dan;

'I love you.’

He told him on days Dan felt elated or when he felt low. Whispered it against the shell of his ear, out of breath, sweaty and moaning. Wrote it in the blanket of snow, written bold and large above two gigantic snow angels.

Phil had finally thrown away all his inhibitions and given Dan his whole heart.

Dan had given him nothing less in return.

They both helped each other evolve in every way but while Dan proved to be bandage to all the gashes Phil had on his soul, that didn’t mean he had healed completely.

He surely was no longer that broken boy crying soundlessly into his cheap university mattress, he had come a long way and he owed most of it to just one person but then he realized how fragile the fix was…

It happened when Dan was at his place helping him film 'The interactive Christmas adventure.’

Phil had to admit it was more about doing a fun activity and goofing around then it was a serious task. Not that most of his videos weren’t but having Dan around was making his holiday spirit grow higher. Even his mum was participating and he was excited about it, being a mama’s boy through and through.

The Lesters were close knit and Phil wasn’t apologetic at all for how much his family meant to him.

More so, Dan and his mum got along swimmingly and he didn’t miss the shine in her eye as she gave her silent approval.

Dan was being treated as family and one could see how much he was touched by their sincere and unfiltered love.

Phil was beyond ecstatic.

He could see the rosy happiness bloom on Dan's cheeks, right by the corner of his jaw as well.

The world turned a pinker hue.

* * *

 

The boys were standing in a hilly park that was under a thick blanket of snow like the rest of his hometown. Christmas was near and this year he had Dan to accompany him and even partake in his festive activities. It was the best early-Christmas-gift he had been praying for.

Phil grinned holding the camera.

'So just flail and i’ll cut, it’ll seem that you fell down.’

He instructed as they planned to film a funny clip of Dan’s demise in his journey to save lioness.

Dan scoffed, shaking his fuzzy hat covered head, his nose crinkling adorably, assaulted by the cold.

'That would look shitty Phil, even with your edits, i’ll just jump down.’

He rubbed his freezing nose, huffing, as he assessed the fall, it didn’t look deep at all. It was getting dark and it was hard to see the ground below but it wasn’t like there would be a 10 ft fall in a playground, even if it was on a hill.

'There’s a lot of snow below Dan and we can’t get a view of the ground from here, i’m not sure if it’s safe or not. I don’t want you to fall into a ditch and hurt yourself.’

Phil bit his lip anxiously. Dan smiled, cheeks red from the cold as he patted Phil’s back.

'Oh come on Phil, you worry too much! I’m sure there won’t be a fucking trench in a neighborhood park for fucks sake!’

Dan grinned shaking his head at Phil’s silly protectiveness.

It was just a little jump.

Nonetheless,It still made his insides squishy with happiness that he was cared for that much.

Phil sighed when he failed to convince him, not that there was a ditch there as much as he remembered. Dan would be okay.

He assured himself.

 

He backed away holding up the camera as he gave his boyfriend a thumbs up.

Dan looked at the camera seriously.

'If you say the snow layer is this way, okay..’

He acted out the script perfectly and walked forward, giving a rather dramatic scream as he 'fell’ off the edge.

 

Phil made a small 'yay’ in the background for comedic effect and grinned. It was a perfect take.

 

'Come up Dan! Let’s get your cold butt back and see if mum's done with those mince pies!’

There was no answer.

 

Phil’s eyebrows scrunched.

'Dan?’

 

Silence bit at his ears.

'Dan come on! were leaving!’

 

He cupped a hand over his mouth shouting but no one replied.

His legs shook slightly.

 

'Dan?’

Questioning mostly himself now and mentally negating his fears, he went to the edge. He stumbled a bit over his feet, a deep familiar dread in his stomach.

 

 

He felt his heart race as he tried to make sense of the situation but his brain was a mush of old memories flooding in and terrifying him further.

He couldn’t make out much as he leaned over the edge, with deep exhales through his nose, as it was almost night but someone seemed to be lying face down in the snow below.

 

The body wasn’t moving.

 

Phil wanted to hurl.

 

_No. Not again._

 

On auto pilot, he ran down faster then he had ever in his life, collapsing on his knees beside Dan as soon as he reached him.

He didn’t even recall how and from where he had run down there so quick and survived miraculously without slipping.From there, the ground relative to the ledge, didn’t seem to be deep enough for Dan to be in such a position and there were no signs of an impact on the snow pressed softly below him but Phil didn’t notice.

He turned Dan’s head up and with shaking fingers, slid his fringe out of his eyes dusting away the melting snow residue with gentle but shaky hands.

Dan’s eyes were shut and not even fluttering. He gave himself no time to catch his breath as it came out in trembling, broken huffs and his vision got glassy with lack of air.

He paid no mind to it, dragging Dan into his lap shaking him.

 

'Please.’

He whimpered patting Dan’s face.

 

Dan tried hard not to smile as he was pulled into his boyfriend’s lap.

Scaring Phil with a prank was the best idea ever.

It also immensely warmed him from the inside to be reminded of how much he actually mattered to Phil. He was basking in Phil’s reaction, wanting to drag it out a bit more and enjoy Phil’s obvious distress at his fake demise before revealing that it was all a joke. Then, he heard Phil’s loud watery gasp.

 

Dan opened his eyes immediately with a frown.

Phil had his flip phone open as he dialed something on it, with great difficulty, because his hand was wobbling so much.

* * *

 

 

'Please, please, hes not waking up, please,’

 

_Sob_

 

'help him.’

 

_Hicc._

 

_‘Please.’_

 

No one had picked up yet, it didn’t even seem that he had dialed a number correctly but Phil was pleading persistently into the device as he sobbed, breathing harshly, eyes wild and unfocused.

Dan sat up fast.

 

'Phil?’

He asked scared as Phil kept crying into the phone.

 

'HELP! _Please._ ’

Dan took hold of his wrists, his hands wrapping all the way around them and shook him slightly, frightened at his state.

'Phil, love, look here! I’m okay.’

 

He pulled Phil into him, the mobile slipping out of his weak grip, as he sobbed on Dan’s shoulder.

 

'I’m okay. I’m okay.’

Dan tried soothing him, swaying the gasping boy in his arms.

 

’ _No, help,_ **_please_ ** _.._ ’ Phil rasped calling out to no one as his head lolled onto Dan’s shoulder then shot up gasping for breath.

 

'Phil, i’m okay, calm down, try to breath.’

He pulled away a bit to show him how to regulate his breathing but Phil held onto his arms tightly, his teeth chattering.

 

'Don’t- don’t die Dan, please. Don’t-’ He made no sense as he rambled looking up to Dan, large tears dripping down from his wide blue eyes.

 

'I’m not dying Phil, i’m okay. Please try to breath in.’

Dan ran his hand through Phil’s hair willing himself to stay collected as tears filled his own eyes over Phil’s obvious distress and he tried to soothe him.

 

'I’m okay. I’m not going anywhere.’

 

Phil sobbed loudly at that, choking halfway as his grip on Dan’s sweater tightened.

 

_'Now breath in, please, slowly,’, ’ yeah just like that.’,’ your doing so good Phil.’, 'I’m right here. I’m right here.’._

 

Dan guided him as Phil’s haze lifted a bit and he attempted to focus, trying to follow Dan’s movements.

 

When Phil slowly calmed down enough to inhale and exhale somewhat properly, he collapsed into Dan’s arms, weak from the harrowing mental and physical experience.

Dan kept rubbing his back, making slow circles till the rasps turned into small sniffs.

'I’m sorry.’

Phil mumbled softly after a while as they sat haggard in the snow, the silence of country side night time a peaceful blanket around them.

Dan’s eyes widened as the guilt ate at him further.

 

'Why are you sorry? I’m the fucking idiot!’

His voice dropped to a lower volume as he saw Phil wince.

'I shouldn’t have done such an awful, insensitive prank knowing how worried you already were.’

Phil shook his head into his chest, too worn to explain himself.

 

He allowed Dan to help him home and into bed, begging him not to tell his mother anything. She didn’t need to know he was still such a mess after she was so happy on his recovery. Dan kept his mouth shut as well, for Phil mostly, but feeling relieved that he won’t have to see the judgement and disappointment in the eyes of someone who was practically a motherly figure to him now.

He still felt very guilty as they settled down in Phil’s bed getting warm and toasty with the thick duvet.

Dan pulled Phil into his arms as he cuddled him, kissing the top of his head again and again in silent apology.

 

'I’m not mad Dan.’

Phil whispered, understanding his internal predicament and nuzzling into his shoulder further to physically reassure his boyfriend as well.

'You should be Phi-’

'No. You…you were just…it was just a harmless prank….i shouldn’t have….. like that…’

 

Phil clenched his palm on Dan’s upper arm, biting his lip as he closed his eyes.

'It’s really not your fault…i….i thought i was over it all…’

 

Dan raised his brow, shifting slightly to look at him directly.

'What do you mean?’

 

Phil sighed telling himself firmly that he wouldn’t cry.

'Umm, before we talked, on like, even online I mean…’

Phil inhaled calming himself, praying that he made sense.

 

'There was a time when i …um….made many old videos private, deleted some pictures and ah…..disappeared from everywhere, on the internet of course.’

'No kidnapping, I promise.’

He chuckled lightly trying to remove the tension, grateful as Dan gave him a small reassuring smile as if to encourage him to carry on.

 

'I know, i was worried.’

He admitted with a small blush and Phil felt his face heat up as well at the knowledge that Dan had been looking at him, for him, even then.

 

'Well…i…’

He gulped and Dan searched for his hand, lacing their fingers together.

 

'Matt, you know the blonde guy in some of my videos..?’

Dan nodded.

 

'He, He died.’ Phil whispered. 'and he was….’

 

'I thought it was a prank and he was my best friend and..’

The events of the day replayed in his head.

 

_Oh God._

_He had thought Dan had died._

Phil hadn’t noticed himself shaking yet but he was pulled close into Dan’s chest who ran his warm palms over his back and head calming him down.

 

'Oh love, i’m so sorry.’

Dan whispered apologies to him as he rocked him, slowly letting Phil spill his heart out.

 

Dan hated himself in that moment but Phil was sure to get it out of his system later when he felt better enough to articulate coherently. It was no ones fault. It was just Phil fighting his own demons.

Dan decided silently that he would help along the way.

* * *

 

Years later, Phil promised, he was the happiest he had ever been and his happiness only seemed to be growing.

Looking beside him to find the love of his life smiling back at him was the only thing he needed.

Dan, after all these years, was still there, holding Phil’s hand in his own warmer, larger one.

 

He had grown taller for sure too, matured in many ways, but Phil found to his delight that every change, every new discovery, pulled him in further.

 

Just when he decided that he couldn’t possibly ever be in love more than _this_ , Dan’s adoring smile and the crinkles by his eyes flipped his heart over and he felt the happiness spread out farther in his veins.

Loving Dan was easy.

It was soothing, warm and warm and warm and Phil had no other adjective for the tingles he felt every time those familiar brown eyes blessed him with never ending affection.

There was just one catch, Phil knew.

He mostly ignored the inevitable and carved fantasies of being with Dan forever but on the nights when the fact of mortality taunted him. He couldn’t reject the truth. His rationality took him on pessimistic instances and he prayed he would be the first to go. He knew he would ever recover from losing Dan.

Matt had been a part of his heart.

Dan had become his whole existence. His every breath.

Phil knew that.

So when Dan had joked as he sat with fake wrinkles and a scarf around his throat, filming pinof6;

_'It’s been 16 years since Phil died, I’m very alone these days…’_

Phil felt a small smile tug at his lips, before he went into character and reprimanded Dan for making it so sad.

In his mind, he hoped that would be the case.

For Dan might have the willpower to survive without him, Phil knew.

He just might not.

Because when a heart shatters, its all at once, then slow and over and over again.

But what happens when there is no heart left to shatter at all?

That is the sort of broken Phil deems unfix-able.


End file.
